Let’s face it, real life conversation is a terribly inefficient and clunky model. It’s unpredictable! It never goes exactly the way I want it to, in fact it’s almost always messy. There are uncomfortable topics, lulls, awkward moments, inevitable social gaffes, and embarrassing mishaps. Sometimes I say things that aren’t as funny as I intended or are unintentionally mean, hurtful, or offensive. Sometimes I think that I just have no idea what I am doing and I’m just making this whole thing up as I go along. Talking in real life is pretty much a constant reminder that I am not a perfect human being in complete and utter control over his life. Actually speaking to people is pretty much just like holding up a megaphone and blasting my fears and insecurities to the entire world. What a downer. It’s so much easier to never get to know anybody well enough that they know my flaws and shortcomings and instead present myself to the world as a perfect and pristine version of the person I wish I was. I think we’ve come to a tipping point, so I have made the decision to never talk to other people in real life ever again.

Just hear me out, it’s not as crazy as it sounds. Thanks to social media, I don’t ever have to feel inadequate or socially inept. Now life is so much easier. I don’t have to speak with people in real life or think of funny things to say on the spot. I don’t have to try and fit in with a group of people whom I really don’t fit in with, and I don’t have to tell people how I really feel. Now if I go out with friends, I can bury my face in my smartphone, avoid eye contact and conversation as much as possible, snap the obligatory group photo, and post about it online to let the world know that I am happy and content and happy and secure and just really, really happy all the time.

This works for every social occasion. Heading down to the cafeteria for lunch? Easy! What used to be an awkward trade off between listless small talk and awkwardly watching my friends eat is made simple thanks to social media. All I have to do is stare at Instagram, constantly hitting refresh while I stuff my face. It’s not weird if everyone does it, and trust me, everyone does it. Social networking is basically life made simple. Conversations can be well thought out and perfectly planned, distant friendships and relationships can be easily faked, and, most importantly, no one has to know who you really are. I’ve made up my mind. I intend to hide behind a screen for the rest of my mundane, comatose, Lays-potato-chip fueled excuse for an existence.